A Guide to a Fulfilling Life
by Guilty Gear Is Pretty Cool
Summary: An anthology of loosely-related stories on the subjects of the meta in fanfiction, social scenarios, and ridiculous schemes.
1. Common Scenarios

During perpetual evening of Twilight Town, Roxas joined Axel for the usual seal-salt ice cream to watch the setting sun atop the clock tower. Axel reached into a plastic bag as they took their seats, legs dangling over the edge, and handed an ice cream bar to his buddy.

"Roxas, let me pick for brain for a minute." Axel ripped open the plastic packaging of his own with a single decisive tear. "Do you think we should be tired of sitting at the top of the clock tower, eating the same ice cream, like we do almost every day?"

Roxas struggled to imitate his firebrand friend before pinching the plastic at the middle and methodically peeling it apart.

"Not really. It's our thing, right?"

"Yeah, but I was thinkin' just because we've done it a lot before doesn't mean that we can't do something else. The same-old, same-old gets boring after a while. It's safe. That's why I invited Pete up here."

Pete had been sitting next to Roxas the whole time and gave them an acknowledging nod. "Sup."

"I mean, yeah, sea salt's a good flavor, but there's more going on. You know how many times we've sat in the same spot, at the same time of day, eating the same thing?"

"No, I guess I haven't really thought about it."

"Maybe it's the lack of heart that gets us into this sort of routine. The others do the same thing, in their own ways. Luxord has his gambling, Zexion's never seen without a book. It's like we're stuck in a loop. Roxas, I think latching onto something comfortable is preventing us from leading dynamic and fulfilling lives."

Roxas looked down at his feet. "You don't think we have fulfilling lives?"

The redhead stretched an arm around him, tugging him closer and shaking him playfully.

"Don't get pouty on me Roxas! What I'm getting at is, let's get off this clock tower. There could be plenty more we like doing, and we'll never know it."

Axel hopped up and headed for the tower's stairwell, with the blonde following behind. He started on about something they should do when Pete spoke up.

"Uhh," Pete started as they walked away. "I was told there would be ice cream popsicles. So far, I haven't received any ice cream popsicles."

"Oh, about that." Axel blinked for a moment before having a lick of his own. "I only remembered to bring enough for us. Later man."


	2. Hotdog Johnny

With no missions scheduled, Roxas reclined in his bed on a lazy afternoo—

Axel kicked his door open with a force so unneeded that one could assume that it was locked. The blonde Keybearer scrambled up his bed, drawing knees to chest. The intruding Axel wore a striped shirt and apron, and a condiment bandoleer.

"Why are you dressed like that?" Roxas inquired, relaxing a bit. "Did you get a part-time job?"

"No, Roxas. Get with the times," scoffed Axel. "We're going to be wrestlers."

"Why? I don't want to wrestle."

"You're not getting it. We're going to have costumes and cool backstories. Mine is great, Roxas. I'll fill you in on the details."

"Alright...?"

"The name is Hotdog Johnny. Got it memorized? My claim to fame was the weiner business. I sold hotdogs and hotdog accessories, but when the oppressive government outlawed the sale of weiners, it forced me to close down my stand. With nothing left, I took to the ring to lash out with my own brand of weiner justice. Take a look, Roxas."

Axel forcefully reached into the front of his trousers and pulled out a fistfull of weiners. Hotdogs, Frankfurters, Polish sausage, bratwursts - all sorts of weiners. Roxas scowled in disgust.

"But that's not all! Get a load of this!"

Axel dropped the weiners and reached into the seat of his pants, pulling out another handful of weiners and dropping them all over the ground. Roxas stepped away.

"So... what does that have to do with wrestling?"

"Everything. And here, I brought your costume too."

Roxas was handed a pair of dirty overalls and a kerosene lantern. He eyed them over, not sure what to make of it.

"You're the Gravekeeper, Roxas. A mysterious spectre of a man who walks among the dead, watches teenagers have sex in the graveyard and occasionally threatens to call the police if they don't share their drugs. He's a total bad ass. So get those overalls on, because you're doing your first match in the underground concourse tonight. It's your big debut!"

"Axel, we don't know how to wrestle-" He was cut off by a slippery weiner to the face.

"Get dressed and meet me in the grey area." Axel slammed the door behind him.

An elaborate wrestling ring was constructed in Twilight Town's underground, bleachers and all. The seats were packed with wrestling fans ready for a fight.

Axel and Roxas came in by way of a corridor, entering at center stage. Roxas felt very uncomfortable in a pair of overalls with no shirt or shoes. The lantern hung by his side, while Axel showboated to the audience as Hotdog Johnny.

"Boys and girls, do you have a hunger for _weiners_!?" he called out to roaring applause and threw out various weiners he kept stuffed in his pants.

"Gee, Hotdog Johnny is so cool," said Goofy to Donald, who were spectating in the crowd. He wrapped his hand around a sweaty weiner and euphorically shoved it into his mouth. Weiner juice squirted into Donald's eye.

"Weiners. Are. ILLEGAL!" came from the shadows.

"Oh no..." Hotdog Johnny turned to Roxas, a serious look in his eyes. "It's my arch-nemesis, President McMuscles. He wants all weiner-kind wiped out, and only I can stop him before it goes too far."

It was just Pete squeezed tightly into a business suit. The threads that valiantly struggled to contain his ample flesh sang for death as he tried to climb into the ring.

"Hotdog Johnny! You will regret standing against my authority, for today will be your last— oh!" shouted President McMuscles as he stumbled over the ropes and toppled onto the floor.

The crowd booed.

"You took everything away from us... and today I will take it back!" Hotdog Johnny looked behind him and slung Roxas forward. "Get in there, Gravekeeper!"

Roxas slipped on a rogue sausage and fell on his face, accidentally smashing the lantern against the floor. Kerosene went everywhere and instantly caught the ring on fire. Panicking, the crowd fled the scene of the fire and President McMuscles got caught off guard in the uproar.

"Taste. My. SAAAAUUUUCE!" bellowed Hotdog Johnny, shoving a squirt bottle into Pete's mouth and filling it with mustard.

Choking, Pete tried to breathe but ultimately died to a mouthful of thick mustard.

Hotdog Johnny lifted Roxas from the ground, raised their clasping hands and held the championship belt high for the crowd that wasn't there.

"Axel, we need to get—"

"We're the champs!"


End file.
